Silent Lucidity
by grumkinsnark
Summary: He should have known it was the beginning of the end when Quinn fell. Even Finn’s obliviousness has its limits. Puck/Quinn, Finn tag to “Sectionals.”


**Silent Lucidity

* * *

**

He should have known it was the beginning of the end when Quinn fell. Even Finn's obliviousness has its limits, and Puck could only play the concerned best friend card so many times. It's not like Puck exactly regrets coming to Quinn's aid—what if something _had_ happened when she slipped? (Okay, so the hot towels thing he chalks up to watching too many soaps with his mom, but that's so beside the point.) He would never forgive himself.

And yeah, Quinn had gone Bitch Mode on both of them for fretting over her, but Puck saw the difference in her eyes. At Finn, she plain looked pissed. But when her eyes slid over to him, they held a mix of gratitude and understanding as well. Because she knows that Finn's acting out of misconception (however genuine his intents may be), but Puck's acting out of true, soul-bending worry. And she knows that if there had been a complication, Finn would certainly go with her to the hospital, but Puck would be the one she'd ultimately have in the room with her when the doctor gave his potentially dire prognosis. After all, as Rachel had aptly pointed out, sometimes there's a necessity to have the real father of the baby available.

It wasn't just Quinn's look that had been different, though. Finn's was, too. When he and Puck had met eyes above Quinn, there was mutual anxiety there, but…there was suspicion in Finn's on top of that. Finn had his moments of astuteness, and with a beat of his heart skipped, Puck saw Finn's skepticism as to the _degree_ of Puck's worry. Sure, in the long run it'd been Rachel as the main catalyst for Finn finding out Quinn and Puck's secret, but Puck has no doubts that Finn would decipher it eventually. Presumably before the baby was born, but definitely (well, Puck would hope) after, when Finn saw that "his" daughter didn't look much like either Finn or Quinn, her hair dark brown, her skin tanned, her nationality half Jewish, the only defining feature of Quinn's being her light green eyes.

Unless Quinn still wanted to keep the baby's paternity a secret and went with some recessive gene excuse or something. Puck's not a hundred percent sure that wouldn't deter Finn for a little while longer.

Honestly, though, despite Finn's punching his face in (discounting how wussy those punches may have been; seriously, Puck doesn't even have a bruise), he's kind of happy the truth's finally out. He'd not understood Quinn's desire to hide their daughter's real parents from Finn apart from her not wanting to break up with him or whatever, but he'd gone along with them. Primarily because Puck cares a whole fucking lot about her, but also because, at least initially, there's a chance Quinn would have completely denied everything. Said that either Puck's purely lying, or even, if she was feeling incredibly vindictive, that Puck had raped her or something but _Thank the Lord, he didn't impregnate me_.

Psh. Like Finn has the stones even if Quinn had let him get past first base.

Puck supposes he also should have known the other glee clubbers were aware of the…situation. He'd had a moment of weakness when he'd spilled The Secret to Mercedes. He'd just gotten so frustrated that everyone was bending over backwards for Quinn and Finn's difficulties when, really, they weren't Finn's to have. And he simply wasn't going to sing to the dude as if Finn _deserved_ the ballad or something. 'Cause Finn hadn't—no one, _no one_ missed the googly eyes he'd been making at Rachel since he'd joined.

So he'd blabbed. It isn't like he'd meant to confess to Mercedes in specific, either. He'd probably have done it regardless of who was in her place: Mike, Matt, Artie, Kurt, Tina, Brittany, Santana (okay, maybe not the last two)…any of them. Mercedes had just happened to be there. Though in hindsight that wasn't the smartest idea, considering Mercedes tended to be the gossip queen, and he _should have known_ she wouldn't keep her damn mouth shut. The girl has pipes, but those aren't exclusive to singing, as Puck had found out the hard way.

He'd noticed the change their first practice after their "Lean on Me" presentation (which Puck had managed to convert into a personal ballad for Quinn only, and yeah, he's a little proud of that). Everyone's eyes, except for Rachel and Finn's, had suddenly become more calculating, more shrewd, and bounced between him and Quinn pointedly more than once. And it isn't like they were exactly _subtle_ about it, either. They're all good performers, he'll give them that, but when it comes to secret keeping, they suck balls. He's not sure who started the round robin, maybe it was Mercedes who told everyone individually, but either way, it'd come to the same sticky end.

But _come on_. The moral thing for Rachel to have done was talk to him and Quinn first, right? Do one of those dramatic "If you don't tell him, then I will" things? Knowing her, she'd make it a full-blown spectacle, complete with costume and bribery for the AV guys to provide spotlights and soundtrack. She hadn't. She'd just manipulated her way into something that didn't concern her, tricked Quinn into talking to him about the Jewish baby tests thing, watched as they conversed about a topic that couldn't get any more serious. Just so she could have bragging rights over Finn, a guy of whom, in all honesty, Puck can't see the appeal. Then she'd gone and told him. Oh how well that turned out.

_"I'm telling you," Kurt's saying to Puck, perched on the piano bench with his legs crossed, "if you would just _exfoliate _more—"_

_"Dude, shut up," Puck replies irritatedly. "Just because I'm in glee club doesn't mean I can't still kick your ass into a dumpster."_

_Kurt looks affronted, like he thought glee would have made Puck do a total one-eighty in personality. Artie, who's sitting nearby, snorts in laughter, causing Kurt to snap his eyes over indignantly. "What?" Artie asks innocently._

_"You were terrorized, too, if you'll recall!" Kurt exclaims._

_It's true, even Puck'll admit that to himself, but by Artie's expression, he can see the guy's somehow forgiven him. "Yeah, _verbally_," Artie answers nonchalantly. "I mean, I did__ get put in that porta-potty to be tipped, but Finn saved me from that one, so…"_

_Kurt humphs and gets off the bench to go talk in a circle with Mercedes, Tina, and Brittany about God-knows-what. Puck glances over at Artie, who's grinning at him, and Puck can't help but give him a small smile back. It's the least he can do, the way he sees it._

_Then Artie's grin turns slack followed by surprised horror, and before Puck can ask what's wrong, he feels himself jerked around, then something hard, which he'll find out very soon is his best friend's fist, slam into his face. He falls to the ground, not so much due to the force behind the punch, but because he was caught off guard. You can't really blame him; the last thing he'd expected was to have this happen. Well…have this happen _yet_._

_Puck looks up as he starts to get to his feet, but is paralyzed momentarily when he sees all ten feet of Finn glaring down at him, his face angrier than Puck's ever seen it. Ever. Even angrier than when Puck had jokingly hit on his mom that one time. Puck soon gets over that paralysis, though, because he's supposed to be playing dumb, don't you know? So he scrambles upright, in his peripheral catching the other eight members of glee who are in the room__'_s _faces showing shock and, more obviously, guilt. He can't be furious with them yet, however, because he's busy dodging another blow of Finn's._

_"Dude, what the fuck?" Puck yells, distancing himself. The only upside in this is that Finn's never been especially accurate in his aim of punching or the right stance and power. Small mercies, he guesses._

_"Don't play with me!" Finn yells, breathing heavily. "You know what!"_

_It all goes to hell from there. He barely notices Tina come to her senses and dart out into the hall; it's a good five minutes before she comes rushing back in, now accompanied by Matt, Mike, Mr. Schue, and Ms. Pillsbury, the first three having been running a bit late for rehearsal, and the latter merely happening to be with Mr. Schue when it all went down. Judging by Mr. Schue's astonished face, Tina hadn't divulged anything, but he sees the wrath in Finn, and, with Matt and Mike's help, forces him off Puck._

_And as Puck looks deeper into Finn's expression, beyond the fury he sees betrayal. Maybe a tiny bit of relief, too, but mainly raw betrayal. Puck'd broken Man Law Number One: Don't Fuck With Your Best Friend__'__s Girl. Moreover, Puck had taken it literally in terms of Quinn. Yeah, the Law breaking hadn__'__t necessarily been plaguing him (he'd had other things on his mind at the time), but as soon as Finn had told him Quinn was pregnant…he knew this moment would come._

_He just wishes it hadn't_.

He guesses he could forgive Rachel, had her influence stopped with Finn simply whaling on Puck, hell, even Finn's rejection of gaining their friendship back right away. (All right, so maybe it was a little callous and short-sighted of him to ask Finn if they were cool so quickly after Finn's ego had been set aflame and then stabbed, but Puck's never been great with the whole foresight thing, so.) He'd even be square with the weird camaraderie Rachel had somehow manufactured with Quinn. The more harmony within glee, the better.

The part he can't forgive Rachel for is the impact she had upon Quinn's decisions. More precisely, Quinn's decision to completely cut Puck out of not only her life, but their daughter's as well. Puck doesn't know just what Quinn expects him to do. He can blame some of her vacillation on the pregnancy hormones or something, but it still throws him for a loop. She wants to be with him, she doesn't, she wants to accept his help with their child, she doesn't, she's _this close_ to breaking up with Finn and being with Puck, she drops him like yesterday's garbage, she undresses him with her eyes, she's glacial. Even if Puck were the most equanimous guy on the planet, he imagines his head would still be spinning.

But he was willing to deal with it, as long as Quinn chose him when it was all over. Frankly, he'd been completely positive she would. Then Rachel comes along, confides her (legitimate) conjecture in Finn, Quinn fesses up (and isn't Puck really glad she didn't go for a last resort and deny everything right there?), and _bam_. Quinn's dismissal this time hurts more than all the other ones combined, because unlike those times, her finality is resounding and firm. Puck likes to pride himself on not getting _too_ emotional with stuff, but when she'd said those lines (_I'm going to do this on my own_), he'd felt like all the sound and air had been sucked out of the room. Quinn's lips were moving, but no noise was coming out, and all Puck could do was stare agape at her, refusing to believe that after all they'd been through, _this_ is what it's coming down to.

Puck likes to hope that Quinn will just change her mind again, let him in once more. Maybe if he proves himself another way, makes her forget his spate of douchiness—it's so not his fault on the sexting Santana thing! Mercedes _told_ him to back off, after all, so he was only following her advice, right? Yeah, he isn't convinced either—then she'll agree that he can be a father. _With her_. He's reasonably sure Quinn's still okay with him being a good dad when the baby's born, and Puck's grateful for that, but it's only half of what he really wants. Really needs. He wants to be with the baby, definitely, but he needs to be with Quinn, too.

But it's been a week since Sectionals, and nothing. Glee has been practicing, and they're still pretty good, thankfully; Finn had really stepped up and chosen to put aside his hatred of Quinn and Puck for the time when glee rehearses, which helps out the dynamic of the group. It doesn't mean that the minute practice is over he doesn't go back to hating them, but with luck, they'll be able to take Regionals. Puck wonders if Finn'll ever absolve him and Quinn—he'd told her once that Finn would, but as time's going on, he's not so assured on that fact anymore—and fuck it, he wants him to. He wants his best friend back. Finn's a dork and kind of airheaded, but he'd been a good friend over the years.

Puck's had some time to think since the debacle a week ago. He's lost so much: Quinn (_I know you don't understand it…but please just respect it_), Finn (_Cool, dude? No._), some of glee (_Puck, man, what were you _thinking_? Told you to back off, not make things worse! We are _so_ over, forever_), even Mr. Schue looks at him differently; although, to his credit, he'd offered to help Puck out any way he can (_I'm sorry, Puck. You kind of brought this on yourself, bud. I'll give you whatever assistance I can, but…_). Worst of all? He'd lost a lot of his mother, once the news had inexorably gotten around to her. (_Noah. How—how _could_ you? Not only did you sleep with a _Christian_ girl, but you got her pregnant? I raised you better than this. Noah, I raised you _better_!_)

In fact, Puck wonders if anything good came out of this at all, if maybe it'd have been wiser for him to tell Finn from the get-go, and damn Quinn's demands to hell. Would that have changed anything? Would it be worth it to have Finn maybe friends with him still, but risk Quinn's affection? Or, worse, risk Quinn either for sure giving up the baby or declining Puck's involvement with their daughter no matter what? They're risks Puck knows he wouldn't have wanted to take.

He imagines himself thinking he wouldn't give up his unborn baby daughter for the world, envisions her inevitable beauty, her tiny smile at him and her little fingers grasping his, but at the same time…does she justify losing everything else important in his life? Losing Quinn by his side?

Looking around at everyone in glee singing and dancing their hearts out, so confident in themselves and what they're doing, so sure in their allegiances and beliefs, Puck realizes the scary truth. It doesn't matter what coulda-shoulda-woulda scenarios he conjures up. Because this whole shitstorm isn't just a bad dream, isn't just some master of illusion, isn't just something he can wake up from; he can't wake up from Finn's rage, from Quinn's detachment, from his mom's disappointment.

He'd like to be optimistic and channel what his mom had said from time to time, say that everything will turn out okay in the end, that everything happens for a reason. But the barest fact of the matter is that he doesn't know.

He _doesn't know_.


End file.
